February 3, 2013 by Royal and Doodall
Well folks, yep, it’s Superbowl time again and the whole of America will be glued to one of their television sets.
As an English gentleman, obviously I prefer rugby. Which is a very similar game to American football, with a few differences – played by real men being one of them…. Also, you’ll note that rugby is not called football. Rugby, like American “football” is mainly a “ball in hand” game, unlike football ( the actual name for what Americans have renamed soccer – so they don’t get confused ), in which the ball is mostly played with feet.
Anyway, to the game preview. Based on the in depth research and with aid of a bespoke data analysing program, I have deduced the following:
At the start, two teams will take to the field. One team will be a kicking team. This is called a punt off team, or something, they are totally there for punting about. The other team will be a punt catching team – probably. They will try to catch the ball which has been punted by the other team. When they catch the ball, they will run forwards and then all fall over and wrestle with some of the punt team. The ref will then drop his hanky and blow his whistle. At this point, both teams will leave the field. There will then be 10 minutes of TV adverts and some pundits saying how good the punt or catch was. After about 20 minutes two different teams will come onto the pitch. The offensive team ( I think they are called that because they say sort of swear words just before they start each play) and the defence … Yes DEFENCE…. Not defense…. The offence will try to run into the defence, probably about 5 times. Maybe they will throw the ball a long way and someone might catch it and run to the end of the pitch. But probably not. After about 90 seconds of play, there will be another 10 minutes of adverts. Once the offensive team has tried to get 10 yards forwards, and failed, the game stops. Both teams will leave the field and some adverts and more punditry will be on the screen. After about another 12 minutes the teams will come back on, except it will be 2 different teams. The ones who were offensive before will be defensive and vice-versa. This pattern will continue until they have played for a whole hour. Providing Leonard Cohen isn’t providing the halftime entertainment, the game should be complete by lunchtime next Tuesday.
Someone will win, America will discuss it at length for a year, and the rest of the world still won’t care about it……
Enjoy the game!