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UK will return to stone age by 2015

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March 28, 2013 by Royal and Doodall

News

Britain will be a prehistoric barter economy within two years, the Bank of England has predicted. Leisure time shall be spent banging drums in a dark room.

The Bank of England released its latest projections this morning and they show negative growth and the collapse of the Eurozone will create an economic system based on pieces of flint, chickens and shiny stones.

Bank of England governor Christopher Ashcard said: “By 2015 work and mortgage worries will be replaced by concerns about reading chicken remains and making spears out of flint and sticks” he continued “and you’re not going to have time to update your Facebook status when a wolf has just stolen your last fish.”

Technology shares plummeted following the announcement although traders reported a buoyant market in animal pelts.

Chicken farmer Craig Luck was upbeat about the collapse of society into medieval chaos. He said “I’ve got 200,000 scabrous hens packed into my stinking warehouses so basically I am rich beyond my wildest dreams. I will probably marry Kate Moss and become King of Gloucestershire.”

Unemployed postman Terence Stamp agreed by saying “I’m six foot four and pretty handy in a fight so I’m looking forward to the day when social status is determined by brute force. Then I will kill all clever people except the ones who make beer.”

Despite the doom and gloom Ashcard predicts an improvement in the financial situation by 2050, with the introduction of gold coins and feudalism.

Top notch reporting from Isabel Necessary.


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